if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
