But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
