I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
