I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
