Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
