I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
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i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
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Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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