So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
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I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
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Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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