in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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