Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
