his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
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Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
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I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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