Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
