battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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