At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
