He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
