he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You've changed since you got that strap on
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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