i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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