So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
The air was thick with penises
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Randomize
