I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
