the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Randomize
