Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
is wine microwaveable?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
