She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
