she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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