I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
