I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
