using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
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