Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
