I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
