I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
