I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
