Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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