Already got asked if we're dating
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
