I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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