I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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