i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
