the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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