Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
