Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
