if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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