This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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