Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
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dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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