angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
