I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
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i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
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I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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