I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
