First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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