She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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