so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
