Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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