Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
