Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
