dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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