The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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