I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
