You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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