also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize