Christians are straight up FREAKS
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
