It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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