There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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